Lesbian Vampire Killers

If that post header doesn’t drive the hit count up, then I don’t know what will.

First of all, to clear up some confusion I had with the title, which might be shared by some of you, if you are as slow as I am: The movie is not about Lesbians who Kill Vampires, but instead about the Killers of Lesbian Vampires. It’s all in how you read it, but it does make a big difference. An elite team of military-trained lesbians staking vampires would be pretty cool, too.

A few hundred years back a remote area in the eastern part of England (the boxcover says it is in Wales, which is an interesting geographical interpretation – there is a map) was plagued by Carmilla, Queen of the Lesbian Vampires, who turned women into , well, Lesbian Vampires. Eventually, the local royalty Baron McLaren, was able to use magic to forge the Sword of Dieldo (think about it), the only thing that could kill her. But before he lops off her head, she places a curse on him and the area: from then on, every girl will turn into a lesbian vampire when she turns 18 (you’d think the parents would move in advance) and one day they would end McLaren’s line, which would cause Carmilla to be reborn, even more powerful. Also, only a McLaren would be able to kill her, which is a confusing codicil to put into a curse. (I also have to wonder why the Baron paused his sword to let her say all this. A little more urgency in the decapitating, and a lot of trouble would be avoided.

In the modern day, two losers (Matthew Horne, James Corden) plan a hiking holiday right in Carmilla’s old feeding ground unaware that Jimmy (Horne) is the last of the McLarens. They run into Carmilla’s demon spawn, naturally, and together with four babes they meet on the way, must find a way to put down the vampire queen once and for all.

In case you couldn’t tell, this is a horror-comedy, and I thought it worked pretty well. The jokes are crass, and much of the humor is mammary-directed, but if you watch a movie titled Lesbian Vampire Killers and expect George Bernard Shaw-level humor, I feel for you.

The movie was inspired by a challenge to come up with a ridiculous yet marketable title, and write a script around it. The budget was supposedly 50,000 pounds, but it looks pretty good for all that. There is a conscious desire to ape the 1970s Hammer Films “blood and boobs” formula (although most of the blood is white, instead of “Hammer Red”), and it succeeds reasonably well. (According to on-line reports, it was supposed to be the first film from the reborn Hammer Studios, but the plan fell through.) Even the credits and other titles are done either in “dripping blood” font, or in some form of Comic-book font. Some of the scenes have quite the moody look, and it might have also been a decent B-movie if it had been played straight instead of for laughs.

You get what you pay for, and if a horror comedy called Lesbian Vampire Killers strikes your fancy, I think you will enjoy it, too.

One note on the Anglo-U.S. difference: “fanny” does not mean the same thing in American slang as it does in British slang. Just so’s you’d know.

**Addendum: Sometimes you worry about writing things that are too crass for your readers. This is not the time. So in response to a question (Thanks, John!), Lesbian Vampire Killers features a great number of very attractive women, many of whom appear topless. Not soft-core porn or anything, but well in line with the 1970s-era Hammer "lesbian vampire" movies it imitates.
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