Watching a lot of horror movies has pretty much inured me to the sight of death. Coupled with my general hatred of mankind, this allows me to witness countless kills without altering the pace of my popcorn-chewing. It has also given me a good grasp on a few of the most common mistakes potential victims, which I felt I should share with you. To be honest, at first I thought “Why bother?” (see general hatred of mankind above), then it occurred to me that some of the readers of Dead In The South could be among those victims. If you guys start getting whacked, pretty soon the millions I’m raking in from ad revenue on this site will dry to a trickle, and I’ll have to live on the money I’ve got invested with my pal Bernie Madoff. So consider this a public service announcement.
You are out for your usual midnight stroll past the graveyard, when you hear cracking and ripping sounds coming from the boneyard. You glance behind you to find that the dead are rising from their graves, hungry for your precious brains. You turn to run and see a huge guy wearing a mask and carrying a bloody machete coming that way toward you. A car screeches up from the side, and a skinny blonde steps out. It’s Ann Coulter. In terror, you break the fourth wall, turn and say “Hey, Dead In The South guy! How can I get out of this mess?” Don’t worry, I’m here with the answer.
Dude, you are completely screwed. Zombies and psychos? You don’t have a chance. Throw in indestructible killing machine Ann Coulter, and you know those questions you’ve pondered about whether there’s an afterlife? You’re about to get an answer.
Just in case there’s someone else in dire but less hopeless straits, here are some life lessons I’ve learned by sitting on my couch, eating Cheetos and watching bad horror movies. These are things that have cost some of the worst actors of our generation their lives.
1. If you are home alone and some psycho begins to break in the house (this works in other scenarios as well), weapon up. It would be great if you have a loaded rocket launcher lying around, but if you’re not a survivalist, any blunt object will do. More people have been killed by being hit over the head throughout history than have died from gunshot.* Grab your club!
2. You’ve been chased by a psycho who has killed all your friends, but now you got the drop on him and managed to knock him down and stun him. Grab his weapon! Maybe you abhor firearms, but trust me, that shotgun will look better on you than him.
3. In a related scenario, if you think you’ve killed the bad guy chasing you, it doesn’t hurt to make sure. Maybe the hammer blow to the head killed him, maybe it didn’t, but remember the famous quote from the movie Love Story: “Decapitation means never having to say you’re sorry.” Let’s see him get back up without a head.
4. Are you one of those people who pick up the newspaper, then read it out loud to everyone around you? Then I hope the monster gets you. If you are that person, though, when you find an ancient book while exploring an old house, for Pete’s sake, don’t read it out loud, you don’t know where it has been. This is doubly true if the title of the book is any variation of the word “Necronomicon”.
5. You’re a young woman alone in the woods in the dark, and you come to a lake. Of course, you have an immediate urge to strip naked and go for a late night swim. The warm water rushing past your full yet supple breasts, swirling and caressing you in that private place…Sorry, I zoned out for a moment. Don’t do it. You’ll either set off the psycho watching you from the trees or attract the attention of the fish people that live in the depths of the lake.
6. If you are trying to make your escape in an automobile, don’t hesitate to run over your pursuer if you get a chance. Due to the basic softness of humans, it won’t hurt your car that much, and even if what is chasing you can’t be killed, a high-velocity impact with half a ton of metal will slow anyone down.**
7. Suspect your family and friends. You may well be in a movie being made by one of those people who likes to have the identity of the killer be a big twist, so it could be someone close to you. If there’s anyone in the group who doesn’t seem to be useful, go ahead and take them out. Even if they were innocent, they were probably going to die anyway.
8. If you are a young woman, tone down the makeup. Dress modestly. Be kind to others, yet resourceful. If you are in a slasher scenario, this should make you Final Girl, and she usually lives. Very important: if there is another young lady in the group with the same attributes, she is dangerous competition, and you should kill the bitch immediately.
9. If you find an old box, locked or chained up, don’t open it. It might contain riches, but your luck’s never been good before, so why should it start now?
10. Always assume that aliens are hostile. Better to be the one apologizing for an interstellar incident than the one reduced to smoking cinders.
So there you have a few pointers, which will hopefully help keep you alive. I would add more, but I just heard a thump from outside and the lights wet out, so I need to go check the generator. Don’t worry, I’ll be right back.
*I don’t really know if that’s true, but it seems logical.
** This doesn’t work if you live in Japan and your problem is a giant, rampaging lizard.