Monday, August 31, 2009


No, not her.

Apparently, the jungles of Central America have been home to tribes of vampires for centuries. Out of fear, they have mostly avoided interaction with man, other than feeding on the occasional cow or goat. However, the destruction by man of the rain forests (cursed deforestation!) has pushed them out into the open, so they have decided to take everything over.

Fortunately, the United States has an elite military unit of absolute badasses in the area doing…something. Which is fortunate, because whatever country this is does not seem to have a police force or military of their own. The soldiers are all of difficult-to-pin-down rank, but it doesn’t matter, since all the actors are playing Sergeant Rock anyway.

The vampires in this one aren’t afraid of sunlight (they don’t sparkle, though), garlic, crosses or such, although they don’t like having wood shoved through their heart. (One bright spot: when the soldiers encounter the vampires it takes them about 30 seconds to come to grip with the whole vampire thing, so no time wasting) They tear out a lot of throats, although they don’t seem to spend much time feeding. Wasteful. Like Bond villains, they waste too much time explaining their nefarious plans to their victims rather than just killing them.

The cast features genre stalwarts Casper van Dien (Starship Troopers), Kevin Grevioux (Underworld), Alexis Cruz (Stargate) and Danny Trejo (everything). They do the best they can, and I’d watch Trejo in just about anything. The movie is directed by Kevin VanHook, and I will say he’s improved a lot since Frost: Portrait of a Vampire, since that is one of the worst movies ever made. If you have a sense of humor and an appreciation of bad movies, you might be able to get something out of this one, otherwise, give it a pass.

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