Monday, August 23, 2010

The Inquisition of Johannes Cabal


Of late, a scourge to the moral and ethical fiber of our civilization has emerged, the dastardly so-called “necromancer” Johannes Cabal. Fortunately for all that is good, the vile cabal was recently captured. We are a just society, I’m afraid, so before Cabal can be subjected to the appropriate punishment for his dark deeds, his guilt must be proven in the eyes of God. Therefore, a group of highly moral inquisitors was assembled on behalf of the church to question the villain by the redoubtable Matt Staggs, and I, irreproachable, was chosen to be one of them. You have read my compatriot's queries; mine follow immediately after. You may also click on Matt's link to take you to the beginning of Cabal's ordeal.


First: We live in a modern world of technological marvels, aeroships and entomopters. What purpose does superstitious rubbish like necromancy serve in our advanced times?

Cabal: Superstition is belief without proof. If you believe that necromancy is mere superstition, then by definition you have no proof that I am a necromancer. Therefore, you must set me free immediately, and you can expect a very brusque letter from my solicitor just as soon as I find one that I can tolerate. I notice you're not making any efforts to remove these manacles. Very well, then. Necromancy is not a superstition; it is a science obscured by thousands of years of mummery and ignorance. You work for the church; you must know all about mummery and ignorance. All I am doing is applying the scientific method to expose the lean, gleaming lines of the truth beneath all the clinging gimcrackery and cant. Just as alchemy begat chemistry, and chirugery begat surgery, so shall necromancy be purified into necromantic science.

Second: Many of your experiments, such as those with your infamous test batch 295, have fatal results for bystanders. Since you have your soul back, do you feel even an iota of remorse for the poor unfortunates who get their brains gobbled by your failures?

Cabal: You know, if I were a pharmaceuticals corporation rather than an individual, we would not even be having this conversation, even if the corporation caused a hundred times more deaths. Hmmm, I shall make a mental note to incorporate my activities as soon as I get out of here. Oh... that would involve lawyers. I have gone off the idea.
To address your query directly, no. Most people are of little import while they are alive, yet they are virtually canonised in death providing the death appeals to the sympathies of tabloid readers. Really, these people died for science. It was unplanned -- usually -- and it is unfortunate -- probably. But, let us say for the sake of argument that the tale of Newton and the apple is true. What if the apple was actually a boulder, and it fell on some passing yokel of no importance? Should Newton have still utilised the inspiration seeing that majestic boulder offered and formulated his famous theories? Or should he have thrown it all away out of faux-grief for some bumpkin? Believe me, I have never watched a revivified body kill a bystander and eat their brains without learning something scientifically useful. In the vernacular, it is all good.

Third: In order to redeem your soul, you met with Satan himself. So, tell me, what’s he really like? Prince of Darkness or just a being who really doesn’t handle public relations well?

Cabal: What is there to say? He's very tall, charismatic in a bland salesman sort of way, and he has an unhealthy obsession with cribbage. I think Milton overstated things quite shamelessly.


At this point, I was overwhelmed by disgust, and was forced to pass the questioning to my next companion. You may find the results of his efforts by using your mechanical computing device to take you to



Mr. Cabal has his own malignant presence on the web at his associate Jonathan L. Howard’s website.

You may examine the documentation of Cabal’s misdeeds for yourself at tome vendor Amazon’s site here and here.
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2 comments:

John Hornor said...

Fun stuff, Joe. You reviewed Johannes Cabal the Detective recently, didn't you?

Jim Mcleod said...

Nice one Joe