The V Word

A lot of people were critical of the two year run of Showtime’s series Masters of Horror, but for the most part, I enjoyed it. Like all anthology series, the lack of a permanent cast or writing stable leads to a lot of inconsistency, and some of the one hour episodes were amazingly bad. But overall I would give the series a pass. I purchased the complete run in individual releases, since the producers of the series guaranteed it would never be released as season sets. Those sets look nice, too.

Ultimately, a horror anthology series, no matter how original it wants to be perceived, takes a shot at that most popular of dark creatures, the vampire, and for Masters of Horror, that shot came in the middle of the second series with the episode The V Word, written by series creator Mick Garris and directed by Ernest Dickerson. I assume the title is a play on the Showtime lesbian drama The L Word.

Kerry (Arjay Smith) and Justin (Brandon Nadon) are two high school friends, more of the rabid gamer type than belonging to the cool crowd. They decide to seek excitement by sneaking into a funeral home at night to see the body of one of their dead classmates. If you are a horror movie watcher, you know what a terrible idea this is. Once they make it into the mortuary, they find they are not alone, although strictly speaking they are the only living things in the building. Apparently of former teacher of theirs, Mr. Chaney (Michael Ironside), fired for inappropriate relations with students is there in a state of un-death. This not only poses terminal consequences for Arjay and Justin, but it brings danger to their families, as well.

The first half of the show is the two boys sneaking into the funeral home, and it is the best part. As they creep through the darkened building (“Wasn’t that coffin lid closed the first time?”) it is very spooky. Once the vampire is revealed, it becomes less frightening, more run-of –the-mill. Still the overall grade for the episode is positive. The cast is very good, particularly Arjay Smith, and Michael Ironside seems to be having a great time with the role. For some reason, I love the scene where he is walking under the moonlight holding open a tattered umbrella.* Some people may gripe the episode never explains how Mr. Chaney became a vampire (One of the boys asks him “What happened, did you bite on the wrong dick?” “Something like that” he replies.) but we know the basics, and the origin story would have just slowed things down.

There’s a fair amount of gore. These vampires don’t have fangs, so they have to tear out the throats of their victims to feed. Despite its flaws, if you are looking to watch a horror story and only have an hour to spare, you could do a lot worse than The V Word.

* I know I’ve said this before, but if vampires burst into flame at the touch of sunlight (unless they are sparkly girly vampires), how can they bear moonlight? It is reflected sunlight, after all. At least, they should get some nasty blisters.
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The Damned Thing

I’ve been buying the Masters of Horror releases on DVD since they started putting them out, since I was gullible and believed them when they said there would be no season sets (Season 1 now available for peanuts). The series has been uneven in quality, but what isn’t? The latest release is The Damned Thing, based on a classic short story by Ambrose Bierce, adapted by Richard Christian Matheson, and directed by Tobe Hooper.

Before I get into it, I would like to raise one issue that bewilders me. The script of The Damned Thing bears almost no resemblance to the original story. There is a creature which sometimes appears to be invisible, but that’s it. So why not present it as a completely original work? I doubt very much if the name Ambrose Bierce is much of a draw (Richard Christian Matheson is probably almost as popular), and the story itself isn’t famous, at least not overly so. This happens a lot, where someone acquires the rights to a literary property, then discards everything except the name. If anyone can think of a reason for this, please let me know.

Anyway, the Matheson version of the story concerns a Sheriff in a small Texas town (Sean Patrick Flannery). As a boy, he watched his father go berserk, slaughter his mother, was chased and shot by his dad, then watched as his father was ripped to shreds by an invisible monster. Still bearing scars and a limp from the shotgun blast, he has grown up to be paranoid, although I would cut him some slack, considering. He is estranged from his wife and son as the result of this, and does a considerable amount of moping. He is bedeviled by the local newspaperman, who seems to devote himself to infuriating everyone in town. (As someone who grew up in a small town, I can tell you he wouldn’t last a month). The sheriff’s moping is disturbed when The Damned Thing returns. It drives everyone around into a homicidal frenzy. The funniest part was when all the sheriff’s neighbors show up heavily armed and angry. He locks them in the basement “for safety” with their weapons. Cue rattling gunfire, and a woman screaming “They’re all dead!” Hope you weren’t counting on their votes, sheriff.

It turns out The Damned Thing was freed from deep in the earth years ago by the sheriff’s father while drilling for oil. Instead of being grateful, TDT conducts a vendetta against the family of the man who freed it, showing up to kill them on their birthday (The Damned Thing has a well kept planner, no doubt). It is occasionally invisible as in the original story, but usually looks like a sentient oil slick. It is unclear as to whether it is supernatural in nature, or just an unknown phenomenon as in the original story.

I had high hopes for this. Almost anyone who reads horror has a lot of affection for Richard Christian Matheson, and Tobe Hooper has some impressive credits. But, to me, it was a mess. No explanation of The Damned Thing is ever given, nor are its actions explained. It had a couple of interesting moments, but that was it.

There were some bright spots. Ted Raimi is entertaining as always as the local priest, and if you are a gorehound, there are some pretty icky scenes. (Personally, I don’t have anything against gore, but want it to serve the story)

I would be remiss not to point out my Beautiful Wife enjoyed it. As she is a lot smarter than I, you might want to heed her opinion instead.