Supercroc

Hopefully, I’m really back, now. And what a way to resume snarking, with the big-screen hit Supercroc!

Direct-to-DVD masters The Asylum have been very successful in branding their company. You always know what you are going to get when you pick up a DVD with their logo on it, and in no way do I mean this as a compliment.

At a lake/pond/river/ocean near Los Angeles, a group of soldiers have been sent to investigate something, although they don’t seem to have a clue what. They move through the brush, the leader usually silent hand signals to direct the squad. Although these are usually used to hide the presence of soldiers from the enemy, here the purpose may be because the squad leader of indeterminate rank couldn’t be heard over the incessant yakking of the other soldiers, mostly talk of weddings. Eventually, they learn that the thing they have been seeking is an enormous crocodile – a supercroc! – and seconds later, they are all fertilizer except for the cute female GI who was going to get married. Sadly, her fiancé is making his way through the supercroc’s alimentary canal, although she doesn’t seem too broken up by it. A second squad is dispatched and also goes straight down the gullet.

Meanwhile, a command center has been established to fight the menace, although they mostly just exclaim “Oh, my God” at appropriate moments. There is a sleazy scientist woman, with the hidden agenda of exploiting the supercroc for military purposes, and you’ve got to wish her luck with that. She masterminds the theft of supercroc eggs and sends them to Los Angeles, meaning the Supercroc heads that way, too, with mayhem on its mind. This is still probably better news for L.A. than Lane Kiffin, but I digress.

There is some anticipation of Godzilla-style pandemonium in Los Angeles, but it doesn’t happen. A few people get squished/eaten, including the evil scientist woman, stuff blows up, and the movie ends.

I always try to say something good about a movie, but this has me beaten. Terrible CGI, a terminally dumb script wooden acting…one of the techs at the command center does come out with a quip, but everyone else bitches at him about it, so he shuts the hell up. Recommend this one to your worst enemy.
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